I’ve learned and forgot the lesson, over and over again.
I’ve felt it all. I have hit the backboard so many times just to be caught and thrown up there once more.
But I got myself through it because in retrospect, I was too good. Too good, too smart, and have too much potential to be paired with a straight up jackass. For real, that’s not my match. I’m too loyal, too honest, and too real about everything to be beside someone who displays the opposite qualities. I’ve read before that one of two things will happen: he will realize you’re worth it, or you’ll realize he wasn’t.
I look back to when I was younger, and think wow, I was naive. But then again, when I was 17 or 18, I thought I had it all together. I just wasted so much time on bullshit.
I experienced how it felt to put someone first, before myself, at a young age. It was disastrous. After hearing, seeing, and believing.. I knew how to walk away and I knew how to make someone chase. So I let the roadrunner do laps. But it got old. I woke up one Saturday morning and had a conversation with myself. We decided that we didn’t have love for him anymore. I don’t know how the heart restored itself just like that, but it did and it’s all truth when I say that. After that day, I felt no guilt, no missing him, and no loving him. It was the most relieving feeling. So now, every time someone tells me about the toxic relationship they are in, I tell them one day, you’re going to wake up and realize what is best for you; you will wake up not feeling how you did the day before. Mark. My. Words. I experienced this and it was a very overwhelming but honest emotion. I reflect and I’m able to say that while I had love for him, I was not in love with him. It was just perpetual, baleful connection and it took so long for the wires to cross and finally burn it all down.
I went back to the drawing board a few times. After that, I shifted myself a bit. I drew a couple lines, made a few changes.
Finally I got what and who I wanted, I thought. Little did I know he was going to deliver so much disadvantage and so much anger. But I’m a fool for fate. Our energies merged when he needed my help; he needed my words, my consoling, and my empathy. I saw his pain and I just wanted to heal it. He looked for me because he needed someone in his corner of the self-powered pity party. When we both stopped attending, it bent me a little bit. We brought it all on the table, let the flame spark one last time and I think ultimately, without saying, we decided it was time to just free the circle and leave this alone. I knew he wasn’t good for me, but what motivated me was that I was good for him. On my part, I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be. It was tough for me but from the start, I treated this situation with one foot in and one foot out. I didn’t expect it to end how I once hoped, and it showed to be true. It took some time, but I regained myself and value. He lost what always welcomed him back with open arms and that’s a harsh hit for anyone, once you lose what feels like home. I listened, cared, and was always there ready to go. It was like a walk through a rose garden and getting picked and poked by their thorns with every step and smell. But I stuck it out, got the closure and finally found the way to turn that chapter over.
In my years, I’ve definitely picked the faulty cards out of the deck. All Jokers. I ended up with ones who brought out the worst in me. Maybe because I could handle it or maybe because they thought they could handle me. But you know what, I’m no Harley Quinn. I’m more powerful. Then and more now, no one could weaken me. I’ve never asked how high? I fight my fight and I determine how and for how long. If I wanted to make your life hell, I did, I can, or I will. But it doesn’t do anything for me, it doesn’t help me sleep better at night. So I let the smoke dissipate, cloud me again it will not. I’ll bring sunshine to anyone drowning in rain, but that’s all I can offer.
I’ve danced with a few devils but here I am today with no scars, no anger and no pain. I got the hell over it all, like we are capable of doing with a clear mind and heart. I wonder why I didn’t handle some things better, but would it still have the same effect it did on me? I know I brought some people down with me, and only for that do I feel regret. If the events didn’t roll out like they did, would I still have turned out the same? It’s made me more aware about the character of people, better at reading, and it made me better at accepting. I choose wisely, and not many people agree with that, but I am the one that has to deal with me when things don’t go right. There’s no misleading, how it is is how it’s told. What really got me through was that no one knew I was going through it or how I was really taking it in. If a tree falls in a forest and no one heard it, does it make a sound? Falling was much softer knowing someone wasn’t there to catch me.
I have never blamed anyone or put the pressure on someone for what didn’t work out for me. I don’t have trust issues. I don’t have commitment issues. I am not afraid to love. I am not afraid to open up. We all go through shit differently and most of the time I choose to not go through it at all. I don’t want another burden in my life.
It takes two to tango and I selectively pick my partner.