You think it was all the spiders I’ve killed? Or, maybe, the times I opened an umbrella indoors?
How about placing my bag on the ground?
I swear I have a case of bad luck.
Bad luck. Bad choices. Bad options (in my opinion). All the same shit.
Transitioning into a better, more positive person has been the biggest blessing and curse.
Blessing because, well, it speaks for itself. Being a better version of yourself is great.
The con is that it allows people to only see that of me.
I don’t want to be the good friend to you. I want more.
I have studied, practiced, and preached how to channel different things. I’ve learned to see the good, make light of, and move on from ugly truths. I grew up. And although I’m thankful and proud I figured out how to do all of that, I’m still angry with something.
I forgot how to fight.
I forgot how to fight for something I want. It is permanently etched in my mind that it is what it is, and life goes on, or everything happens for a reason. It has unwillingly made me turn pages to chapters I’m not quite finished with.
I forgot how to speak.
I forgot how to use my words to voice what I feel or for what I want, affectionately. For the past couple of months I want to speak on what I feel, but for fuck’s sake – I can’t.
It’s fear that I will mess with fate. That’s just something that came with being a better person. I had to be patient. I had to be in peace. I had to believe in karma. I had to believe in fate. I have to spread love. But nowhere in the book did it state that all this tied around being loved. I mean, really, being loved.
Facing the facts that loving someone voluntarily is a selfless thing to do, and expecting love in return was the most selfish.
If I don’t get who I really desired to be with, I wash my hands and genuinely bid you a good life. Grateful to meet you. I know I learned something. Think of me from time to time. But it truly sucks accepting that. So much time and energy goes into meeting someone, balancing all your levels to be comfortable, finding compatibility and being okay with the wires that just don’t connect. You learn to work with it, because you want what you want. When you do all the rights and fix all the wrongs, you wonder where it went sour. What could you have done differently? This is my question to myself all the time.
I am so on the fence with destiny. We really duke it out. I sometimes just say fuck it, I don’t believe it anymore. On other days, I settle my thoughts and we all agree that this is how it’s supposed to be. Maybe I didn’t fight or speak up because something told me the battle wasn’t worth it, better things wait.
Good chance it was pride, most times.
I read a quote once and it really altered me a little bit. I’ll start by saying that I believe there is someone for everyone. I believe in souls. I believe in love. And I really do entirely believe that every person is out here looking for their match. To crave another human like that really is something else. I don’t even have an intelligent or fancy word to slightly describe it. This leads me down a long road to believe that if we don’t find our love and purpose in this life, we will in the next. I’m not religious, but I like to know of and have different insights and create my one, complex view from it.
I love love. I want to get down to the core purpose and nature of it. How can we love someone so deeply that we find it ok to share our toothbrush with them when needed? Hygiene is not one to share, but fuck it. It is when you love someone. How can we love someone so deeply that we plan to spend the rest of our lives with one human. How can we be so mad, so insane to go to the lengths to find, protect, and cherish that one person? To even go out looking for that person of all the other places to be and people to meet? The electricity that transfers with a simple kiss on the forehead or a hand being held so tight. Ugh, I fucking love that feeling when you just know. It is so sensational. I need it before I go to bed and I need it when I wake up. So, I’ll be a good friend for now – but soon I will leave my print on a heart, so deep, he will feel it when he breathes.
I am either too strong, too smart, or too sick of the bullshit or maybe all three but I am not leaving this life without a pure love and a loud bang.