Let me tell you about myself. I can endure all sorts of shit and you would be surprised to learn that no one ever would know about it. I get through all my hardships, bad days and complaints all on my own. It is just the person I am. I know how to fight my battles single-handed. I don’t want to cast my grey clouds over any one else and I’ll have many sleepless nights before I ever do.
I’ve learned to shake it off with an entry and a smile. You have no idea how many drafts I have saved on the other side of these published posts. I just can not bring myself to divulge what processes through my train of thought. You would think this is information from the White House, but really, it’s just me.
I will bury these things so deep that time will grow right over it and it will eventually be put to rest.
I live in a day dream from the time I wake up all the way until I am asleep. It’s my own world that I am living in and I swear everyone just coexists between mine and theirs. I am constantly thinking of what happened, why it happened, how could it have been prevented, what should I do to change it, what could I have differently? Or I don’t think at all. And at the very worst of it, I don’t even know which one is better out of the two.
I tell myself that somehow it will figure itself out. My mind and soul are my sanctuaries. They are my safe havens. Some days, my mind is my worst enemy. But we heal. I forgive it. At the end of the night, I return back to my latibule. Where no one can try to guess how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking, it’s just back to only me squaring it out.
My day dream does have a consistent theme and that is happiness and fate. It all happened for a reason. Be happy that it did happen or happy that it didn’t happen. Could fall either way.
I remind myself that I have nothing to lose. I remember that the regret of not saying something/how you feel runs a lot deeper than doing so. In the end, it’s relieving and maybe rewarding. And that’s a key thing that always has to be noted. I don’t want to feel regret.
This is all very confusing for even me because I flip-flop between two versions of myself. You can always hit me where it hurts, I’ll either address it or dismiss it.
And I think that’s how I know I live in a trance, because in reality, it’s never really that simple.
I’m not simple.