Something came to me yesterday and it made time stand still for a second.
I reminded myself how easy it is to lose someone.
How easy it is to wake up one day and not still have what you did.
How easy it is that the five minutes that has just brushed passed us is now history.
We can never get it back.
This thought came a few, short hours before I had to sit down with two other woman; while telling one about her boyfriend allegedly cheating on her.
What a blow.
You know what’s painfully scary? Being neck deep and just drowning in your thoughts and feeling your chest fill with all this anxiety. It creates the most hollow, disgusting, still-feeling in my body. From my throat to my stomach, I feel a void. If I didn’t seem crazy in public, I would drop down the ground just to make it go away for a moment.
But I wait until I get home.
Life is such a gamble. But bring hearts and emotions into it and you got yourself a full deck of cards. And you will never know what is to be dealt.
The premature stages of a new relation is a whirlwind of “ahhh” moments. You don’t know what’s coming or going. You are just that one person sitting in a cart at the highest point on a roller coaster, unaware of the drop. One hour you’re overwhelmed by the attention. One hour you’re relishing in affection. The next you’re completely disintegrating because you start thinking of all possible ways it could go wrong. And get this, meanwhile it’s not even actually happening!!! That’s what we do to ourselves. In short, it’s like trying to find shelter during a fucking deluge. Your worries are never far behind.
You try to chill out. You try to play it cool. You’re in and out, in and out. But your voice gets softer, your walk gets slower, and suddenly you look like a dazed person just there. You’re just…there. Lost as fuck.
Do you know how sad it was to tell a woman who is so invested, so in love, that her SO was seen fondling someone other than her? A night out with the boys. Watching her sit still, taking it all in. Right hand inhaling her cigarette, flicking the ash, left hand taking a slow and steady sip of her after-work hours drink, that kept sliding near the edge because of it’s own condensation. And I almost thought that was her – near the edge.
She kept it together, physically. This raised concern for the other person present; but I explained that if that was me, I would most likely react the same. I’d be quiet for the most part. I would say ‘okay, thank you for telling me.’ and I would go handle it. When you are a stoic and reticent person and just about had enough of people’s bullshit you learn how to filter it even at worst.
How on earth do you stop your world from tumbling around you?
How do you stop all these forces from snowballing and hitting you right where it hurts?
You don’t. And that’s what is the shittiest of it all.
I don’t think there is a proper way to fight the strain. I think we’re just strong enough to not let it physically pull us apart. It may just get the best of you. Sometimes I feel a version of myself standing right beside me saying ‘look, it did it again. Fix it.’
That weird, unknown, and abandoned feeling that instantaneously lives inside of you after you just lost someone is damn near unbearable. Same goes for when you’re trying to imagine being without that person. You have to figure out how to be just you again. Just you.
You have to find other things to look forward to with other people. You have to stop wishing for a good morning, beautiful text. Somehow, someway, you have to stop wanting that person. It will break you down into small, puzzled pieces. You will be like a wired device that has a malfunction due to just a splash of water. Just a splash, that’s only the beginning.
Spoiler alert: you will get through it, in time.
Those damn flashbacks of things said and done will pick and poke at you for a little bit but that’s just the heart and mind at war again. Those two will never see eye to eye.
I guess there’s three steps to healing: inhale, survive, and adapt. The love and loss will come in rushing, sudden motions. Just breathe, stay afloat. Survive, make it through. And adapt. Accept the change.
After a while, it will become.. let’s say, easy.