I know I’ve been out for a while…. but have I been out of the game for that long? I’m beginning to wonder if I even know what the hell I’m taking about anymore. I’m questioning if I know anything about the advice I preach about, regarding relationships.
But I know who I am, I know my soul. Never failed me before when it came down to choosing rationality.
Here’s how I look at it: your significant other should not – should not – have an interest, or an uncomfortable curiosity, to be going through your cell phone. Or social media. Or e-mails- anything like that. It should all be off-limits. You got yours, I got mine. And we got ours. If you trust your boy/girl friend, then there is absolutely no need to create a problem that isn’t there or to even go searching for one. I don’t know how a piece of technology has the power to bend and break a human relationship. That is crazy to me.
A lot of relationships end because of and this and that, but that’s because in your gut, deep down, you know something is off – so you find out what it is. And I’m truly sorry if your suspicions were on point and you were betrayed. But you only do what you gotta do when you know you need to. When you feel it.
I don’t believe in it. I don’t believe you have a “right” to go through my phone unauthorized, sneakily. It’s disrespectful to our relationship and it sure as hell is insulting. Just ask. Say what you’re wondering. Let’s talk about this shit.
And then it brings me to this…
(Note: The only thing I’m going to say about cheating is that leave your lover if you are going to cheat. No one deserves that blow. If you cheat, you are not in love, or have feelings for him/her, the way you once were or wish to be. Bottom line on that. Fix it or drop it. You can’t blame it on your relationship lacking something, because now it lacks everything.)
If you do not trust your significant other, then let them go.
Love obviously isn’t enough to make you trust someone, so why remain in a relationship?
So everyday can feel like you’re carrying a bag of bricks? Because you think maybe if I walk on eggshells for long enough I’ll get used to it and that will allow you to trust me? So our relationship can feel like more like a burden, and less like a unity?
You have nothing to prove if you’ve done nothing wrong.
You can ask the close ones to me what I always say about relationships. That is, if you do not have trust then you don’t anything. Trust is the foundation. One of the only ones. Don’t we all wish love was enough to save a relationship? But it’s not.
And so I always wonder, since I’m single, what would I do if I was in this or that situation? Would I follow the advice I give? Ya damn right I would. Not because it’s coming out of my mouth, but because it makes sense. It’s rational, and that’s how things should always be.
With my ex, I never went through his phone; and I can only hope he never gave himself the reason to go through mine. Because I know I didn’t give him a reason. We didn’t break up because of lack of trust, it was just incompatibility. I knew what I knew and that was it. I was never fearful that he had another side that I didn’t know about it.
Everyone is different, but I don’t have a password to access my phone. And I don’t enable it when in a relationship, either. It’s not the whole “I have nothing to hide” line, it’s just that I’m free and I know I will never need that security for my cell phone. That’s all it is, a mobile device. When my phone is pass-code free, it’s open to the world if I dropped it. That’s fine. If my boyfriend has a password on his phone, it really should not raise doubt in my mind what is happening behind that security wall. If it will help rather than destroy my relationship, then you may read my messages because we have that trust. But you can’t read my messages because you don’t trust me. And there’s certain things in a relationship that make it that much better. A bond runs on trust and communication. A healthy couple needs those two very important things. Deeper than you think, but you have to trust that you can even communicate with them. Some people are so incredibly difficult to talk to, they just go with what they believe and they hear no other side. That makes everything 10 times more complicated, and then you just start to accept it for what it is. You start to tell yourself that you’re not even going to fight about it. That’s not right. In every couple, you should be able to comfortably talk with your partner. You should never feel like they’re not going to hear you, what you say means nothing. What the hell is that? A relationship should seriously not take an immense amount of effort to keep together.
I can’t understand when someone says “I’m just going to let it go, I’m not even going to say anything, it’s whatever..etc, etc.” That is unbelievable, and it’s sad that the communication between the two of you have dwindled down to that point. And this isn’t to say that your relationship is totally on the rocks just because you’ve reached that point of reaction, but it’s a concerning level. It’s all too common, and it’s settling for what you can get. If something needs to be talked about then it should be. The tension that builds up after time and time again is going to erupt one day and there will be no cleaning it up. No one should win during an argument, but there should be an understanding. I don’t care if your girl is a bitch or your boyfriend is a prick, there has to be a middle. Not all the time, but most. Every relationship has its tests, there will always be rocks while walking down the road together – but, most times, you should overcome it with ease. Not letting it go because you didn’t want to deal with it. Unless it is absolutely so unimportant and not causing a dent in the day, then please take care of it. For you and your love. Be vulnerable and fearless.
My future boyfriend/husband will never not hear a peep out of me, for good reasons. If there is an elephant in the room, if something needs to be addressed – then we’re going to attack full speed, right now. I’m not the woman that is always bitching about useless things. Trust me, I don’t have energy for petty points. You will never catch me going through your phone because we’ll be too busy talking about why I even questioned doing so. I can only hope my man will be as honest me. And as open as me. As faithful as me. And hold me down like I will him. I will never make you feel like you can’t speak to me about something. We may or may not disagree, but it will be settled with us hearing each other.
As far as threats – there should not be any. All I can say is if another woman is being entertained by you while with me, then you have a decision to make. I can’t make you stay or have mutual feelings for me, but I won’t be disrespected either. I can assure you I would give men the same time of day while in a relationship that I do now – none. No one will threaten my relationship by their presence. And no couple should allow that to happen, if it does – your relationship isn’t in a good place. When it comes to my ex, or his ex – I have to put my foot down with that. I wouldn’t want my ex hitting up my phone and sure as hell would want his ex hitting up his phone. Ex’s are always a soft spot for couples, understandably. I can’t even argue on that. But if they are that much of a threat to be a topic of conversation more than once – there is a problem and it has to be fixed. That is just a very difficult bridge to cross, and it all depends on the who and why.
Lastly, for right now, if you have insecurities that effect your relationship, then maybe you should love yourself before trying to love you and him/her. If don’t trust this person because of a past thing, or because you just think something is up, then that’s a personal problem that you need to take care of because it will ruin where you stand with this person. And it won’t be their loss, it will be yours. Nobody should have to prove daily that they can be trusted when they have no reason not to be. Sorry that you got cheated on, hunny, but that obviously ended for a reason. On to new things. You have heard that the past is that past for a reason…..right ?? Do you know how exhausting it is to make right of something that never went wrong?
I think I know exactly what I’m talking about regardless of how long I’ve been tapped out. It’s not rocket science. It’s trust, communication, understanding each other, respect, and love. All these little components that make the big picture stand up instead of falling down.
Reader, you either agree with me or you don’t. I questioned my mentality at the beginning of this post, but now I’m sure of it. I still know what I’m talking about.
I’m on to something here….I think I’m going to dive in for an advice column. I know I can help.
Well, that was a nice idea while it lasted.
Bless the man that gets me. I make it easy for you. You’re welcome.