X-Road

It has been 13 days since I’ve posted.  When I write, I confront myself in so many ways.  I’ve been trying to avoid that rough surface.  Until I was forced to.

My best friend recently told me that I am too strong for my own good.

She is right.

I’m stubborn and stoic as hell.  I keep on keeping on.  On my own.

My day was going good yesterday.  It was raining, but my spirits were up.  Lately I’m feeling out of place, so I’ve been spending a whole lot of time in my bed.  Just laying there, thinking.  The other day I found myself there for hours.  The only thing I did was change my lateral position.  Yesterday, instead, I went for a drive.  I was finally bored of laying in bed, dwelling on shit.

I did not know going for a drive was going to turn into a storm.  I was listening to one of my favorite songs:  Here Without You Remix by Jay-Z and 3 Doors Down.  Something was being triggered, and I just couldn’t fight it anymore.  I had to break down.  But I just didn’t know where to go, or how to do it.

My mother asks too many questions (rightfully) and I didn’t want to answer any of them, so I didn’t go home.  I didn’t know where to go.  I didn’t know who to call.  I was at an emotional, mental, and physical crossroad.

En route to my sister’s house, and I was finally there.  She opened the door up to me and I just backed myself into a wall, skipping on my own breath while uncontrollably letting out tears with face in my palms.  I couldn’t even tongue words.  I could only cry.

At the crossroads I had to come to terms with three things.

  1. I had to admit that I felt like I was losing my damn mind.
  •  That was a terrible sight into reality.

2.  I have pushed many things under the rug, and now I have to clean it all up.  I have to clean up all the chances I did take, and I have to clean up all the ones I didn’t.  I have to clean up all things I never wanted to face.

  • That was the second terrible sight into reality.

3.   I lost you.  I was forced to focus on the line between alone and lonely.  I noticed it is becoming thin and I’m starting to wonder what side I play on.  I feel as if my hands are tied so even if I truly wanted to, I can’t push that one under the rug.

  • That was the third, worst, most terrible sight into reality.

I sent my best friend a message after, “I just had a good ass cry.”  Some days you do need to listen to sad songs, and you do have to come to truths with the worst truths of them all.  A crossroad is a place where you can do so many different things and go so many different ways.  But you have to choose one.  But I think it’s called cross, X, because it represents the unknown.  I know how it is to think about the same thing all day long, and not even being able to pinpoint what is going on in your own head.  It’s the only thing you think about it, whatever it is.  I just click my pen against my forehead.  I stare out of my office window.  I lay in my bed and can’t wait to fall asleep.  What if’s.  Could have’s.  A lot of should have’s.  My thought process runs circles.  And I can’t keep up.

I can feel how distant I am from myself.  I notice how strong it is when I can’t even think of what to say on a fresh, blank blog entry.  We all naturally trip over things left in the middle.  When something is unfinished it gets really hard to kick it back into gear when everything came to a screeching halt.  I can’t go back to the start and I can’t jump to the end.  I just have to keep on…keeping on.

I love deeply, and I love hard.  Authentically with no apology.   I want to love all of something, all the time.  That’s what it’s all about.  Evidently, I haven’t been able to.  I remember fighting for the wrong ones.  I never really found what I was looking for.  Eventually I stopped looking.  I don’t want someone just for the sake of having someone.  I trust my intuition and instinct fully, I can handle being alone.  I knew what road I wanted to walk down.  But when I do put myself out there, when I do want you on my side, I want it all.  I can handle it, the ups and downs.  Half of something?  Then I don’t want it at all.  But you know what half of something means?  I almost had it, but it’s not enough to say it.  It’s an hour glass that gets tipped over just when everything is almost all there.  Slowly but surely…waiting….to have the rest of it.  I’m not afraid to say what I feel, even more when I have nothing to lose.  But sometimes I say nothing at all because I have nothing to gain.  It’s true, once you let someone have you they stop doing what it took to get you.  The hard thing is whether I’m trying to forgive or forget it all.  Do I live with it behind me, or do I live trying to keep up with you instead?

I’ll figure it out…

At the crossroads.

 

A.

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