I went to bed at 5 AM this morning. I was torn between looking at my ceiling and looking out of my window. I would shut my eyes and quickly restored my need to be awake. I don’t even know what I spent all that time thinking about. Maybe it wasn’t meant for me to remember.
6 minutes late to work. I navigated to my desk, pulled a draw out and grabbed a K-Cup of English Breakfast tea. I stared at the Keurig machine because sometimes I don’t know which option to pick. I often switch my choice of mug so the three images of the amounts do nothing for me. I wing it and choose the middle cup option. Good pick, it was the perfect amount. I get annoyed with Keurig sometimes because I waste so much remaining tea in the cups that I dispose. Moving on, I ripped two packs of Sweet N Low, dumped those in as I carefully listened to the rush of sugar into my mug. Grabbed the 1% milk and poured it in. My first sip instantly pinged me. I tasted my past, and I loved every second of it. I smiled. I’ve encountered many failed attempts of trying to make my own tea like my grandmother made it for me when I was younger and on the day I needed it most it flowed right out of my hands. I can’t explain the gratification. For that reason, I didn’t rush through my cup of tea. I kind of felt like the slower I drank it the more I could remember being a little girl. After that last sip, I’m fast forwarded to about 12 years. The now-me.
In 5 months I’ll be 21. Is this when I should be getting into a relationship for long term? When I was 7 all I was worried about was Barbie’s relationship with Ken, rewind button please!!! Now I have to worry about my own relationship – one I don’t have yet. I always manage to lose something I never had.
I always tried to stay away from saying things I don’t mean. I really don’t want to just talk, talk, and talk and then one day switch it up. That scrambles everything. I never cared a lot about emphasizing or making importance of promises made to me; and never really made a point to make “say what you mean” a high priority when addressing to me, because ya know – shit happens. Humans make mistakes. But as I’m approaching another year of age I want the truth, always. There is no mistake in truth, my friends. Now I need promises to be taken all the way through. There’s truth and then there’s clearing your conscience. Write it in your diary. I know how to empathize, trust me, I really do. Let’s all be straight up and real about it, I can ride that ride with you. You tell someone the truth because you respect them, you don’t tell them the “truth” to wipe that slate for you, and yourself only. They don’t mean the same, and they don’t feel the same. So don’t treat it the same.
Relationships are a funny thing. Any kind of it. You never know if the glass is half full or half empty with you and someone else. Intimate or friendship. There is always a question that no one wants to ask. You’re constantly trying to figure out the balance. Where the hell is the middle and what is there?
When I think of the glass – half full or half empty – I’m going to recollect all that was said and done. Ah, but we all know when it’s all said and done more is said than done. One of us will sooner than later reach to pour it out or refill it. Allow me. I will grab it and pour it the fuck out. And if you feel different, if you so strongly object that and feel the need to intervene, then go ahead. Stop me. But I’m never again going to sip on something after I know it’s already been tainted. The idea was destructively beautiful, hazardous, and tantalizing…but that’s the problem. It was an idea.
We were both ideas with different ideas.