What’s Luv?

Love is a noun.  It’s an intense feeling of deep affection.

Love is a verb.  To feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).

Well, that’s it?  So why is that someone always says “That’s not love,” “you don’t love him/her,” “you don’t know what love is”.  If love is just a deep affection and/or attachment, I think I have the idea of it.  You have your own idea of it.

You know how I know when I love someone?  The love everyone knows?  The one with deep affection and romantic or sexual attachment?  It’s when me, my heart, literally yearns for him, only.  My tender heart beats through my chest at the agonizing thought of him, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe like I should be.  I find myself in the deepest abyss, fighting for air because all of a sudden my nerves have set up road blocks in my lungs and my throat. I catch up with myself and I try to relax before I spiral out of control.  If I’m at a desk, counter, or a solid surface I use both my left and right hands, grab my brunette, shoulder to medium length hair and I pull it back as one so it rests on my back.  I straighten out my posture, I rest both of my elbows on the surface.  And I breathe in and out.  I close my eyes and I breathe in and out.  I remind myself that I’m okay, I’m just wrapped up.  Part of it is missing him and the other part is me being so unbelievably impatient and stubborn.  When I walk slower and talk lower, that’s me trying to gather myself together from almost falling apart. I guess sometimes following your heart really does mean losing your mind.  I get anxiety thinking how much a person can love.

This is what love is to me.   When you feel like you can’t be without someone, that’s not obsession – that’s love.  I would think some would agree with me since that’s the point of relationships and marriage, right?  To be with that person for as long as you can, preferably your whole life, with the same goals and intentions.  The same love.   While looking for the right, best love, I just want to remind you that we’re all the same.  Everyone is fucked up.  You just have to know what kind of fucked up you’re into.  What is worth fighting for.

I think we all, men and women, spend most of our life trying to find love, be in love, and to be loved.  It sounds like a mission impossible, but that’s the least of complication you will undergo.  It’s so much more than flowers and hearts, and I think that’s where some of us have it wrong.  I don’t believe in flowers and hearts, when I think of love I think of a battle.  A battle with yourself, and a battle with your partner.  You will learn more from pain than you ever will from pleasure.  Love can’t be rushed, but I think that’s everyone’s goal.  We’re all eager to have it, have it, have it.  I have learned that you need to practice how to forgive, and you need to practice how to forget.  Whether with yourself or your partner.  You need to be able to handle multiple things at once because everyone comes with baggage.  No one is brand new out of the package – we’re all defected, damaged, faulted and flawed. The only way to have a relationship is to have communication; it’s key, the foundation, the ground, the support, the backbone, the blood running through love’s veins.  If you do not have communication between the two, you don’t have much at all.  You need to really practice your patience because that’s what love is, love is patient and love is kind.  More importantly, above all, you need to love yourself first.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again – I can fight for you, I can fight for us, and I can fight with you – But I don’t know how to fight for me for you.  As strong and determined as I am, I don’t know how to fight for your love, for your attention.  I have grown so accustomed to letting it go, moving on, and “change happens” that when I lose something I try to understand and accept it without asking why.  Bygones will be bygones, right?  Even if it’s your love?  If I feel distance between us I’ll let my heart beat faster than a cheetah can run and I’ll suck it up and figure it out, but I will not beg you, ask you, or jump in front of you so you feel how I feel about you.  No matter how much I want and need it, I won’t ask for it because in the end I care about his happiness more than mine, even if it means his happiness isn’t with me.  That’s love.

For me, the bottom line will always be honesty.  In a beat I would tell someone how I feel whether it’s sunshine and smiles or one big storm.  Everyone deserves to be honest with. No, I will not ask you to love me.  I will not ask why you don’t love me.  But I will ask if you love me.  You see what I’m sayin’?  I will always be as blunt with telling or asking as you stubbing your toe, so let’s always be on the same level.  Sooner than later. I will not have love and time being wasted. It’s really simple when it’s spelled out – you can’t make someone feel something they don’t.  You can be the right person for them, more right for them than anyone else, but sometimes that isn’t enough.  That’s when love hurts… when it’s not returned how you expected.  That’s the trick, isn’t it?  To not search for it.  To not ask for it.  To not expect it.

Yes – when you undertake love, you’re playing with fire.

And don’t forget – never let an old flame burn you twice.

 

A.

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