Is exhausting. I get really tired of being asked why I don’t “have a boyfriend”. Or, why I won’t give you a “chance”.
My interest clocked out.
I’m an honest person; I won’t lead you on, I won’t tell you things just so you can hear them. So if you’re reading this as a male, trust me. Trust me when I say I like you, or trust me when I say I don’t. Trust me when I say I do or don’t want you, don’t force the situation. Don’t pressure me, don’t tell me how great we might be. I do this, and I’m like this because I know what’s good for myself. If you’re a female, I hope you treat your incoming potential lovers the same, always be honest. Maybe “emotionally unavailable” is just an excuse, a way to be unavailable to everyone except the one, when you find him.
I guess my personal life one day became a very big concern of just about everyone under the sun, it seems like. Dad, I know you want grandchildren. But not only am I still “young”, but I’m not the Virgin Mary; I won’t be conceiving any child miraculously. So you may proceed to call your son’s dog, Sherlock, your “granddog”. To the to-be married, and party thrower ones, don’t worry, I won’t be needing a +1 on my invitation – you’re welcome just saved you 15% under 15 seconds. Give it up for us though, being denied of a lover is the last of our worries, amiright?? Then, you have the people who ask you why you don’t/or if you do have a boyfriend, followed by a “Oh good, don’t hunny! All they are is problems and headaches!!!” All. The. Time. That piece of advice is long-living.
I just don’t want it. The thing with being caught up in your feelings like this is that you’ll come across the handsome, protective, sarcastic hilariously, caring man that you probably need in your life, but you won’t, or won’t allow yourself to want him. You don’t want the nice guys, and you don’t want the assholes. That’s when you know that you’re about the me, myself, and I.
I’m not trying to sound like I’m the devil’s child – I feel. I just don’t find myself having interest, or maybe it’s the people I’ve encountered that just don’t catch my interest. I do not have a cold heart, and I’m not a mean person. I just want my space, all the time. Even if I really don’t want space, it feels like I do. When you show your emotions more than I do, it may or may not, but most likely may, freak me out. Depending on the person, that is. Sometimes you look for the right person to be attached to you like that, most females wait and wait for it; but if it’s not the person you want – you don’t want it at all. Is it an ego thing? Is it experience? The past eatin’ ya up?
You get questioned so much that you even start to survey yourself, why are you like this? Could have been an experience with someone, could have been what you witnessed, wicked stubborn (can you tell I’m from Boston?) or you could be waiting for someone to come around, and you don’t even know it. When I was in a (short) relationship in the beginning of 2014, it was really sunshine and smiles. It had been a while since I actually invested time and energy in someone, so I felt like things were really taking a turn. I was glad I finally let someone in, somehow he jumped on my Mary-Go-Round. I actually felt so good at first that I felt like letting the 3 words roll right off my tongue, knowing they weren’t true. It wasn’t long until I felt like I couldn’t handle it. More than all, I couldn’t handle that he was so crazy about me and I just couldn’t give him the same back. What could a woman possibly want than to be more than loved? To give it back, have the upper hand at looove. But I couldn’t do that for him or to him..to love him, or hurt him, I couldn’t let us be something we really weren’t.
Being treated like a princess is great, but it only works if you’re that type of person. I’m not needy, I don’t require more attention than you can give. We don’t have to talk every second of every day, I know we both have our own lives even if we live like we are fused in a single entity. I’ll hurt myself by leaving so you don’t hurt me, and more importantly, I do it so I don’t hurt you with my own personal problem. And if I want you, I’ll find a way to forget you or I’ll fight my own demons, because I feel like we can be something. When I’m with someone, I’m thinking long-term. I don’t like the game, not fun for me. But I guess my insecurities before now would be being replaced, not good enough. All those feelings manifested into this, emotionally unavailable – so you won’t get the chance to hurt me. Only I can hurt me.
When I’m ready for it – when I’m ready for you and you’re ready for me, I want you to know that:
I don’t play games. I won’t tell you I want you if I don’t. I won’t lead you on, I won’t play games. I will not invest time, energy, and feeling into someone I don’t think is compatible with me. I have emotion, trust me. When I’m into it, I’m all in. If we’re together, we’re a forced to be reckoned with. I’m loyal, truthful, and supportive when you’re here or there. I’m sarcastic, quick-wit, and a good time. I’ll pick up what you lack, and I’ll also pick you up when you’re too drunk to drive. I’m risky, I live for adrenaline rushes. I want to go skydiving, cuddle with koala bears, chill with kangaroos, and travel the world. Hike mountains, chill by lakes, rivers, and oceans. Stay up to watch the sunrise or sunset. I love going out, but I love sitting at home, too. Tell me how your day was, I’ll be so excited to know about it. Let me know what’s up. I want to be that person for you, and I want you to be that person for me. I’ll be your mother’s favorite, and your dad’s favorite person to talk about nothing with. I’ll chitchat with your younger siblings because I love younger souls. I won’t blow up your phone; do what you need to do, I honestly just want to know you’re good, you’re safe. Just be honest. Lying is a waste of time and trust because in the end the truth always sneaks it’s way through. Be honest with me and I promise I will 100 percent figure out the best way to handle it. I’m a Scorpio, by the way. If that’s something you should know. Look us Scorpios up. It says we’re jealous and possessive, but I’m neither of those things so that’s where the horoscopes have me f*cked up.
But what really sucks about being at a point that you have a hard time loving is that the truth is all your emotions are intact, you’re just so hard-headed. You’ve been bent and broken, and you’ve thrown in the towel since the last time. I won’t believe you if you say you like going to bed, and waking up, alone. I just won’t. You get used to it, it’s the norm, but there’s a missing piece. I keep my fingers crossed that I do what is best for me, even if that means letting one of the best of them go.
Are you emotionally unavailable or are you just waiting? Waiting for the one you actually, truly want to come around. So could it be that you’re really just not into the cat and mouse relationship game, or are you just waiting for your male counterpart? The one you know. The one you hope will eventually come to his senses.
Deep down you will know when someone is the right one for you. You may even enter the situation where you found him, but it wasn’t him. That’s okay, let the demons go. Trust yourself. Trust you’ll do what is best for you.
Scoot over men, you got a new emotionally unavailable species in town.
7+ billion in the world, all you have to do is pick one.