Love is mental disease.
My first love. Even if I wanted to forget it, I can’t. Because that was my first love. We were on and off for years but the love was always there. We just went through so much together and with each other, that it formed me, and prepared me, for the future emotional circle. Viscous, emotional circles. The pain we put each other through probably passes the amount of laughs we shared by a long shot, after a while it wasn’t healthy anymore. To be honest, our relationship was never a happy one but we stuck it out because love just does that to you. It keeps you at a standstill the entire time. Although we always laughed about our arguments (again, probably not healthy after the 1000th time) it’s almost like the laughs should have been tears. More tears. Because we really never did forgive or forget.
I did love him, though. And no one could have told me or him otherwise. I think we both knew that we were so incompatible, and that’s what made us compatible. Even if it made a little bit of sense to us, we took it for what it was and ran with it.
And, wow. I’ll tell ya… we had our run, alright.
One day, I was with my mom on the way to White Horse Beach in Plymouth, MA. Sometimes we like to just release our thoughts in a place that seems bigger than our mind. On the way, she put on a song in Spanish. Although I couldn’t understand it all, something in me just kept jumping. There was something about the beat, the tone, and just all the electricity it was sending to me. The song is called Gracias A Ti by Wisin y Yandel. My eyes just kept filling, and filling with water and I didn’t know if I was just emotional or because there is a pain in my chest that keeps twisting, like someone has really got under my skin and is clenching my heart in their very own human hand. When someone says “my heart is breaking/broken”, I knew it right then and there what that meant; what it felt like. I was so choked up, heaving breathing and tears just kept coming, and coming. I turned and asked my mom, and she was probably wondering why there’s all these tear stains on my face, and I asked what this song meant because I can’t fluently make it out. She said she wasn’t too, too sure (we’re Portuguese), but “it’s something about thank you for being in my life, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be everything you needed, I’m glad you found someone who has treated you like a Princess.”
I cannot even describe it. Whatever was going on in my chest, I thought was seriously going to kill me. I think I cheated death. This particular song …. it could have not fit the puzzle of my hopeless love any better than it did. And I guess that’s when I realized, at such a young age, that I’m in for it. This is what love feels like and boy, am I in for it. Love is not butterflies, hearts, flowers and smiles. It’s pure pain. It’s pure pain one day or another. Everyday was that day for us, for me. I felt it. Love was the worst pain I felt, and I know I’m going to have to deal with it again and again as I grow. Love is the worst pain. You literally feel like your heart has broken into two equal pieces, and it was nothing short from feeling like your world just came crashing. Love introduces itself to anything, it applies to all forms, it knows no boundaries and has no sympathy of who it effects.
If you have the happy love, please always cherish it. And if you’ve had the bad love, you survived.
You will go so far out of your way to please who it is that you love. You will break up, get back together, break up, and get back together, break up again, and get back together again. You will say sorry when it’s not your fault, you will drop other plans, you will answer first ring, and reply within minutes if not seconds. You’ll take the day off of work, you’ll skip school, you’ll risk getting in trouble, you’ll drive late to pick them up, you’ll feel guilty when you think you have to lie to that person for their protection, and you will feel so worthless if you don’t get all of what you give. Get this, no matter how worthless you’ll feel you’ll be like the gift that just keeps on givin’. This, that and more. You wait, and wait for it to fix itself even though you know that it won’t. It hurts. It just simply hurts. You never want to see the day where they run or walk away from you, never want to see the day you’re the reason why they’re crying, never want to see the day that they’ve been physically, mentally, or emotionally hurt by someone. It really does tug at your heart to know that sometimes you can’t fix everything, even worse if you can’t fix a problem you may have caused. Memories just taunt you, even if they visit you with the best intentions to make you smile, they just make you more sad. Bad memories just do the worst they can do, haunt you. Right there when you wake up, right there when you want to go to sleep, and right there when you’re living in a good moment. But sometimes, even those memories are the ones you want to hold on to forever.
Eventually you start to wonder how you got where you are. Memories are just pieces, right? – pieces to a complex puzzle. But, we use, abuse and excuse them. Just a bunch of excused pieces. You can’t avoid love and it’s baggage. You just can’t. It’s inevitable, filled with pain and pleasure all at once.
One day my grandmother (dad’s mom) and I were walking near another beach. (I just love being near the water, wasn’t planned that both of these incidents involve a beach.) My grandmother and I were just talking about random things. We started talking about my grandfather and her, and their experiences. She turned to me, word for word, and said “Adele. Love is the worst pain you could ever feel. You will think it’s killing you! So bad! So bad! It just hurts so bad” Word. for. Word. And this a couple years after that song breakdown from telling earlier, but as soon as she told me I remembered that day automatically. I am waiting for the day I fall in love again, but equally, sometimes I hope it never comes.
Life and Love.
The two most magical, best and worst things I have ever lived through.